{"id":1336,"date":"2020-03-21T09:32:30","date_gmt":"2020-03-21T15:32:30","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.kokomoman.com\/wordpress1\/?p=1336"},"modified":"2020-03-21T10:06:58","modified_gmt":"2020-03-21T16:06:58","slug":"journey-to-the-land-of-cootie-bugs","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.kokomoman.com\/wordpress1\/2020\/03\/21\/journey-to-the-land-of-cootie-bugs\/","title":{"rendered":"Journey to the Land of Cootie Bugs"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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For the past few days I\u2019ve been hunkered-down here on Kokomo Island. I want to avoid the dreaded Cootie Bug until it\u2019s time to fly out to the Great Ho Chi Minh Trail Ride.By hunkered-down I mean I\u2019m hangin\u2019 in my safe-room bunker deep below the earth. This bunker is a cross between a man-cave and the NORAD command center buried deep in the mountains of Colorado. Except NORAD has nothing on this bunker. Mine is deeper into the earth and has much better stuff.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I have big screen TVs hard wired to all the sports channels. Oops… they\u2019re all blank now. That\u2019s okay, I\u2019ve also got live feeds from entertainment venues all across the country. Oops… no live entertainment. That\u2019s okay because I\u2019ve got a tequila pipeline all the way to Jalisco, Mexico. So it\u2019s \u201cparty on.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But… today I had to come out of the safe-room to take care of some stuff I couldn\u2019t put off any more. I had to go to the bank, the post-office and the store. It wasn\u2019t pretty.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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The Magic Bus transporter to beam me off Kokomo Island.<\/strong><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

After the magic bus transported me off of Kokomo Island, I went to the bank. As I went in, I used my hands to open the door. You know… just the usual way. But then I thought about it and I was sure Cooties must have jumped on my hands when I opened the door. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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OH NOOOOOO!!! I’ve got Cooties<\/strong><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

I was 7th<\/sup> in line. Everyone in the line kept their distance. They all probably opened the door with their hands so they were certain to have had the Cooties too. Not to worry. I said to myself, \u201cThe Cooties are only on your hands, so just don\u2019t touch your face… or any other parts… and you will be ok.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Have you ever said to yourself, \u201cDon\u2019t touch your face.\u201d As soon as I thought that, my nose started to itch. And I\u2019m sure something was crawling on my cheek. And there was no doubt in my mind that a spider was spinning a web and laying eggs in my hair. Then my ear itched and then my other cheek. Pretty soon was about to leave. I couldn’t stand it. I had to go to the Magic Bus for some anti-Cootie wipes for my hands so I could scratch.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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When it itches, but you can’t scratch your face.<\/strong><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

But just then, it was my turn at the teller. First I had to put my card in the little machine and then enter my PIN. I hesitated to enter my PIN because I thought of all the people who had been putting Cooties on the keypad. But then since I figured I already had cooties on my hands, more wouldn\u2019t matter… as long as I didn\u2019t touch my face.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now my face was on fire, but I managed not to touch my face throughout the transaction. The teller had been wearing those baby blue surgical gloves as she helped each customer. So those gloves must have had Cooties too. But, she wasn\u2019t touching her face. I was wondering if her nose itched as much as mine, but I didn\u2019t say anything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was getting cash out so the teller dutifully counted the the money. I saw she had it right the first time, and I just wanted to get out of there to wash my hands and scratch my nose. But noooooo.. she proceeded to count it again and again… 3,793 times to be sure the amount was correct. I should have asked her if her nose was starting to itch just for revenge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Finally she was done. You guessed it… after all that handling, the money was surely covered in Cooties. So I asked the teller to put the bills in an envelope. She did and handed me the Cootie covered envelope with the Cootie covered bills inside. What could I do? I took the envelope. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now my whole face itched. I ran back to the magic Bus as fast as I could. I used my clicker to unlock the doors. I had Cootie Killer wipes in the car so I ripped one open and cleaned my hands. After I cleaned my hands twice, I wiped down the door handle and the clicker. I put the Cootie infested envelope and money in the glove box. I then cleaned my hands again as well as the whole surface of the Magic Bus. Now I can\u2019t use any of that money until all the Cooties die off… about 17 years from now. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

By the time I was done with all that… my nose didn\u2019t itch anymore.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I got to the Post Office, there was a door and a line there. And the tellers were doing much the same as the one at the bank… handling everyone\u2019s Cootie covered stuff. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I really didn\u2019t need those stamps after all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But I couldn\u2019t avoid going to the store… I was low on toilet paper. Yep… you guessed it… no TP in the entire Northernmost Caribbean.  So I’ve implemented rationing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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This should hold me for about 73 days<\/strong><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

And if that runs out… It\u2019s a good thing I saved all those catalogs from Victoria\u2019s Secret. Don\u2019t scoff at me… I was saving them for an emergency. That\u2019s my story and I\u2019m sticking to it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now I\u2019m back in my man-cave \u2013 Cootie bug bunker. I flipped on ESPN… no good. I went to FOX Sports… nope. So I went to the emergency recorded material to find tonight\u2019s entertainment.  I made myself a frozen concoction to help me hang on… and a shot of tequila… plopped down in the recliner and began to binge watch seventeen seasons of the Victoria\u2019s Secret Fashion Show.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hey… I\u2019m just a guy. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

For the past few days I\u2019ve been hunkered-down here on Kokomo Island. I want to avoid the dreaded Cootie Bug until it\u2019s time to fly out to the Great Ho Chi Minh Trail Ride.By hunkered-down I mean I\u2019m hangin\u2019 in … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1344,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[65,66],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kokomoman.com\/wordpress1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1336"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kokomoman.com\/wordpress1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kokomoman.com\/wordpress1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kokomoman.com\/wordpress1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kokomoman.com\/wordpress1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1336"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.kokomoman.com\/wordpress1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1336\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1349,"href":"https:\/\/www.kokomoman.com\/wordpress1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1336\/revisions\/1349"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kokomoman.com\/wordpress1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1344"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kokomoman.com\/wordpress1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1336"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kokomoman.com\/wordpress1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1336"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kokomoman.com\/wordpress1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1336"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}